I HATE IT

I'm not feeling well and it has been 2 days for me to feel this way. My body are aching, and I feel really weak even to perform the solat. But I'm writing this just to shout it out as I never had anyone to listen to.

I feel so miserable today. I feel sad, I feel angry and god knows what. I don't feel like working any more. I don't feel like be there anymore. The place was surrounded with hatred, disappointment and anger. I can't be there any longer. I don't even want to read the message from school. It feels irritating. Soooo irritating.........

My back is killing me, my body is shivering all day, can't hardly feel my toes. I just can't stand it anymore.

Ke dalam, dan dalam

Semalam, balik dalam hujan. Agak lebat. Pandangan agak kabur dengan titis hujan. Sejuk. Dengan kelajuan sederhana, meredah air mata alam dari PPAS ke Seksyen 17 lewat petang itu. Menggigil.

Seusai solat maghrib, rasa sudah tiada daya. Dan pagi ini, lewat ke sekolah kerana sendi terasa dilipat-lipat. Belakang tak perlu dicerita. Seperti biasa.

Namun, kunci tetap dicapai, jalan tetap diredah. Dan akhirnya, berada di sini. Keseorangan di bilik guru, sementara yang lain ke padang di seberang jalan untuk latihan sukan. Sedikit aman.

Ada rasa terkilan, menggores di lubuk hati. Agak ke dalam, dan agak dalam. Kerana agak ke dalam, maka biasan kerutan tidak tergambar di wajah. Tetapi kerana ia agak dalam, maka pedihnya masih menyakitkan. Puncanya? Tidak dibenarkan ke fisioterapi. Dan masih tidak punya masa untuk membuat temu janji yang baru. Atau kata sisi jahat, tidak dibenarkan untuk menjalaninya, yang mana akan mengganggu tugasan.

Penawarnya? Bersangka baik. Mereka tidak faham bahawa ianya satu rawatan. Bukan helah untuk melarikan diri atau peluang untuk makan angin. Dan tanggungjawab yang dipikul lebih penting dari terapi itu. Tanpanya, hidup boleh diteruskan walau bergelut dengan kesakitan.

Pada yang memandang, mungkin mengatakan, "mengapa tidak diterangkan sahaja? Bukan boleh diambil mudah perkara ini." Memandang tapi tidak merasa. Sedang diri yang menanggung sangat faham, tubuh itu amanah. Sedang sihat itu anugerah. Apa yang boleh diterangkan? Sedang memandang wajah ini sahaja sudah menerbitkan kebencian?

Jika mereka risau, khawatir, atau mengatakan diri ini tidak peduli, maka terserah pada mereka untuk berfikir begitu. Sedang diri ini lebih sedar, bahawa dirinya bukan hanya dahan pokok tempat menggantung buaian kegembiraan, tetapi ia mahu menjadi matahari yang memancarkan sinar kehidupan.

Only

Today how I wish They were here. I came here today just to see their smile. But it end as one of them was absent and the other one were being complained by other people. Its like I was blame for that. I need some strength. But, it seems like all I have now is Allah. Only Him. How I wish he was here too. But, it just too good to be true. And the hope only remain as a hope.

All I can do now are just hoping and pray. Hoping and pray to become stronger to face anything awaits in future. To remain calm and smile. Because my smile will make them smile.

Oh Allah, if you bless our effort, make ease us the way. Don't let us go astray. Don't let us weak upon your test. If all our effort is just for your bless, then, help us Oh Allah, for us strong to face it....

What And Why

This is my first post this new blog. Okay, first question: why am I having a new blog? Right. The purpose of this new is for me to write down, shout out, or wallowing about my personal and private life.

Next: What happen to Sutera-Jihad.blogspot.com? Is it still available? Well, nothing happen to Sutera-Jihad. Its just that I don't to mix the content with my private entry. And It ill only focus on Da'wa.

Lastly: What is the content of KotakHati? Since it was called KotakHati (Box of heart), so, it will contain my heart's secrets (poyos). As I mention earlier, this is the place for me to wallowing, mumbling, shouting and etc. And in here I'll be different. Don't expect much because I don't need any expectation here.

So, Tata for now

(^_^)